deconstructing flatulence

That Alice. She’s deep. It recently became clear to The Mama and The Dada that our precocious child has been asking some thought-provoking questions as of late. Her most recent foray has been to consider what, exactly, is flatulence?

It has many and varied names:

  • gas
  • fart
  • toot
  • boom (courtesy of the family Mama³)
  • turbo boost…

(please feel free to add to this disgusting list, dear readers. Urban Dictionary wasn’t particularly helpful this go-round).

And people say odd things when it is passed:

  • Who cut the cheese?
  • You ripped one!
  • Pew!
  • Who broke wind?
  • You tooted!
  • Mom, did you fart?
  • Excuse me, I gassed (that one is courtesy of The Kidling).

Perhaps most important, it is a by-product of a healthy diet, yet viewed as positively repulsive. Because it is, but whatever. That’s not the point.

Okay, let’s get back to it. Jacques Derrida. Deconstructionism.* What, exactly, is a toot? Is it the entire episode of gas passing? Or is it each microscopic breaking of wind? The motivation behind this essential question lies in this dinner time episode:

Alice Munchkin Kidling passed gas. Big time. It was one of those very long toots that is well-articulated. Not a long “swoosh,” but rather a “bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu” type toot. You know the type. It went on and on and on (and on).

Finally, it stopped.

“Excuse me,” Alice declared. “I waited until I was finished with all of them so I didn’t have to say, ‘excuse me excuse me excuse me excuse me excuse me excuse me excuse me excuse me excuse me excuse me excuse me.’ “


* The Mama is no philosopher. If this is more Hegelian, then shoot me. I just thought it was funny.

About The Mamahttp://kidlingville.comProfessional talker, editor, emailer, problem solver, adjunct lecturer, blogger, and mother to the brilliantly absurd Kidling.

37 thoughts on “deconstructing flatulence

  1. I have died from laughter lol…my 2.5 year olds find it partticularly interesting to tell everyone they farted…i keep telling them to just say excuse and not scream…yay, i farted. They still don’t get it.

    One day at the library, one of them farted and I asked who did…they both said “not me” Fine i thought, case closed…except, 2 minutes later, one of them screamed “mommy farted” my face was like WTF i tried to protest and say no but too late, everyone at the library was looking at me, and someone said “it’s ok, it happens” Yes i know it does but i didnt do it…Kids!!! Gotta love them.

  2. The boys used to do armpit farts while reciting the ABCs..I like that Alice was consolidating all of her ‘excuse me’s’ and making sure all the farts expressed themselves efficiently too..I am just cracking up…

    • I am sooooo glad Alice hasn’t yet learned that trick. I know I will giggle uncontrollably the first time, thereby assuring seven more years of armpit farts.

    • I agree. I always liked kids, though I wasn’t kid-crazy. Now, I think there is really nothing better/sillier/funnier/truer/lovelier than a child. Well, than my child, but if I feel this way, then I fully respect the right of every parent to feel the same.

  3. Bahahahahahaha! I knew I liked Alice!

    As you know, I am well-versed in flatulence, having dedicated an entire post of my own to the topic. A few of my favorite synonyms for farting are “floating an air biscuit” and “a barking spider.” Blowing your ass trumpet is another option, but I think that should be reserved for high-pitched, whiny gas.

    I’m glad you feel that farting is a sign of a good diet because since I’ve become vegan, I’m tooting or futzing more than ever. Though they’re not as stinky as my previous farts, they are definitely louder. Fortunately, Matt and I both feel that we knew we were in love when we were able to fart in front of one another. That’s trust. That’s love.

    Fart away, Alice. Just always say “excuse me” at least once.

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  7. More unattractive snorting laughter 🙂 In my house it was a trump. now it’s the thai word ‘dtod’ which is quite cute. Thai have sweet words for this stuff. Chee is pee and uuk is poop.

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