left field

Wednesday was a beautiful, hot Iowa day. Like any good mother, I planned to spend the day swimming  at the park  at the Natural History Museum  gardening  doing art projects in the air conditioning standing in line for a membership at the Costco that opened that very morning. What? What did you think, I was going to be selfless? Sorry to disappoint. Costco is serious business.

As I hadn’t yet gotten to was saying…

We were driving down the road and chatting away. I stopped to get a cup of good coffee for myself and some juice for The Kidling. We pulled back into traffic and continued toward Costco, chatting away. Did I mention Costco just opened? Yay! While talking about where we were heading and what our plans for the rest of the day were, Alice offered this response:

“Luckily anesthesia didn’t make me puke.”

Hey, that’s exactly what I was thinking! And by “exactly” I mean in no way related to anything even remotely close to what I was thinking.

one very bad joke

Alice: Knock knock!

The Mama: Who’s there?

Alice: I don’t know who you are.

The Mama: I don’t know who you are WHO?

Alice: I don’t know who you are because I can’t tell who you are! Ahhhh ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! That’s a funny one! Ha ha ha ha ha!

the baby monitor, or how the baby monitors our conversation

Last weekend Alice was eating a snack at the kitchen table while The Mama and The Dada chatted away in the kitchen. About what? Who knows. The Mama doesn’t shy away from conversation, so I have a hard time keeping track of the substance of particular talks. Shoot me.

Whatever it was we were talking about, it involved some laughter and a bit of noise. At one point, I told The Dada, “Cut it out!” Apparently the oversized hooligans 15-feet away were causing Alice distress, because she demanded, “WHAT! What are you guys talking about?”

The Mama: Mom and Dad are just joking around, Alice.

Alice: Well. Don’t.

(The Dada cracks up out of Alice’s line of sight)

The Mama: We can’t joke?

Alice: Well… it… makes it hard for me to… concentrate on my sandwich.

(The Dada continues to crack up out of Alice’s line of sight)

The Mama: (shoots The Dada The Look) Why don’t you just eat your sandwich?

Alice: Because that’s how I always eat my sandwiches!

(The Dada is still cracking up out of Alice’s line of sight. Seriously? Jerk.)

The Mama: Okay, Alice. (voice dripping with sarcasm) Thanks for outlining the parameters of our conversation.

Alice: (brightly) You’re welcome!

Welcome to our life.


Last night before dinner, The Family went for a run. Well, my husband and I ran and Alice sat back and snacked. Close enough.

When Alice got ready to start her snack, she realized she had gum in her mouth. “Here, Mom. Take it,” she demanded. Like any good mother, I complied… then I popped it into my mouth.

What? Was I supposed to toss it in one of my neighbors’ yards? On the sidewalk? I thought not.

Alice was in no way surprised by my solution. In fact, she seemed delighted to share her joy.

“Isn’t it yummy?” she asked. “It sweets up my mouth!”

Mine too.

and i ain’t lying

Oh, Kamellia.

The delightful writer behind the blog Lie, Lay, Lied saw fit to write a little blurb about the book of alice on her blog today. Shucks. But even more than the general blushing and faux humility, she has summed up the book of alice with wit and accuracy. Specifically the first line (which I promised Kamellia I would quote accurately. Feel free to click the link above to check for errors and to check out her writing):

“The Book of Alice is about the FUNNY things said by Alice, a smart and cheeky little girl, whose pee looks like glitter.”

That’s right. My kid pees glitter. Thanks, Kamellia, for noticing. You are awesome. And that’s no lie.

bashful isn’t just a smurf

It may surprise some of you to learn that The Kidling can be quite shy. She vacillates between the gregarious little imp who smiles and shouts greetings to passersby and a bashful little girl who hides behind The Mama or The Dada while crying out that she doesn’t want anyone to look at her.

Given that The Mama is a talker, Alice and I were… well… talking about these episodes of extreme shyness (The Mama can talk any topic to death. Just ask The Dada). I asked about her feelings: when she feels shy vs. when she feels friendly, whether anything triggers each feeling, whether there are certain people who make her feel one way or the other…

See? Talking. To death.

Alice was thoughtful and answered my questions with surprising detail. She concluded that she shies from, “Regular persons. But regular persons such as fire mans, police officers, garbage truck guys, recycling persons, and even, um, people with their dogs—those are the persons I’m not shy of.”

And you know what? It makes perfect sense.

I am glad I asked.

an education, courtesy of The Kidling

You might recall a certain significant question Alice asked me several weeks ago (if not, then you should really click on that hyperlink back there, as it is the funniest damn conversation The Kidling and I have ever had. And that is saying something).

I have recently learned that what I tell my kid does, in fact, resurface. With a vengeance.

When I dropped Alice off at daycare the other morning, her teachers told me a story. Apparently one day a few weeks ago, Alice was holding court in the corner, talking animatedly to her friends. They listened wide-eyed while she explained, “Do you know how I got here? From my mom’s vagina! She pushed real hard with all her vagina muscles. She didn’t even pee me out!”

I can only imagine the dinner-table conversations happening at households around our fair city THAT evening…

juvenile produce

The Mama: Alice, would you also like some baby carrots?

Alice: No. I want grown-up carrots.